MOTHER TAUGHT YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GET LAID.

There are simple, basic, common courtesies that women respond to well. They may not guarantee intercourse. But if you ignore them, you and your hand will be the only ones getting engaged. The good news is, you’ve known all this stuff since you were seven.


HOLD THE DOOR. This takes little effort. You simply lift your right hand, swing the door open, and let her walk through. This will give her a subtle taste of your masculinity, which could lead to her taking a big gulp of it sometime in the very near future.

WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE EATING. This pre-dinner table request also has great validity in the bedroom. Make mom proud. Soap up those hands, and any other area that you think might come in contact with a woman's mouth. After you’ve done the obligatory feeling of the breasts, the classic grabbing of the ass, you might want to use your hands in more creative ways. Women can be funny about putting stuff in their mouth if they’re not professionals. Whatever you hope to get into this alternative wet zone, simply make sure it’s going to be a pleasant experience, or you won’t be invited back next time.

USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE. Never, never yell at a woman. It scares them. If you are passionate, making a salient point, or are very very angry, don’t default to ear shattering desciples. Strong smart men can find words, and employ them steadily and with great conviction without ever raising their voice. The only time outdoor voices are permissible is in the bedroom. In this case, however, make sure she owns her home, you wouldn’t want your orgasm to be the reason she loses her lease.

STAND WHEN A LADY ENTERS THE ROOM. It is not enough that your penis stand at attention when a woman enters your zone. That is a base response, often elicited by an aging cocktail waitress, a plate of ribs, or a two degree shift in temperature. What really impresses a woman is some old school manners. When she walks towards her, give her, her skirt, her tits, their due respect. Rise and shine.

PLAY NICE. This is a tough one for both little boys and grown men. They’re not particularly wired to play nice. But try, you must. Be kind. Make sure she’s having a good time. Call her in the morning to tell her to have a nice day. That’s nice! The 'nice outside of the bedroom/very bad in the bedroom' combo will allow your penis to pencil in many more play dates.