Thursday, March 5, 2009


I’m looking for a new business venture. An idea I can wrap my head around.
“Follow your passion,” “go with what you know.” I’m a long time fan of The Orgasm, and it’s recession proof. Not everyone has them, but almost everyone wants one. So I’m getting in to the sex toy business. And the great thing about sex toys is you don’t need a partner to get into it.

Possibly the last viable business opportunity, sex toys stand tall and proud when expensive cheeses, Time Shares, and cocaine sales plummet.

But where’s the unique selling proposition? Everyone already owns a dog-eared Rabbit from that sleek store in SOHO. Recycling heaps are filled with latex 8-inchers from a million ‘me too’ online stores. Tupperware-type toy parties are so 90’s. Surely, there’s a gaping hole in the sex toy industry. Then it hit me:

NetFlix for Sex Toys.

The business plan is straightforward, and is based on three key consumer insights:

Sex toys can be cost prohibitive investments. Sex Toys can gauge your wallet, some running upwards of $300. In these hard times, it may be better to lease than purchase. In the event of layoff, it may be easier to sell your BMW, not so much your Swarovski crystal studded man tool.

Sex toys are veiled in mystery and can stump even the most jaded world-class perverts.
Imagine an online catalogue that allows you to sample that electro-stimulation device by simply placing it in your shopping cart. Not sure if you’re a Giver or Receiver? Why not take both? Test the deep, murky waters of your sexuality with our complete range of rentable f'able fun. Keep it as long as you like, then simply slip it back in the hermetically sealed tmCum-Back-To-Us Pack.

Sex toys take up way too much space in your underwear drawer. Keep your sex toy as long as you like, no need to look for storage in your bureau, or fill up expensive off premise storage spaces that can really put the kibosh on spontaneity.


Sex toys are much more unwieldy than DVD’s. Hard to jam into apartment mail slots, Note to self: Incredibly Slippery Mail Slot Lube. Add on at Check Out.

Sanitary concerns? On premises Hazmat suited Toy Handlers unpack, tong, and submerge used toys in special 300 degree solutions of Oxy-Clean Brand Gizm-B-Gone. Please check STAINS NOT COVERED section for thumbnails of excluded fluids/substances and legal disclaimers.

All I need is the name, and a small business loan. My research is almost completed.

*(special thanks to my man friend on co-inspiration. you know who you are)


  1. This is a stupid idea. Toys cant go through regualar mail like DVDs. Shipping costs will be too high.

  2. You are the Jerry Springer of bloggers.

  3. You'd do better if you didn't clean them.

  4. It's already been done.

  5. All great points!

    One request: in the future may I ask that you gather all your thoughts onto a piece of scrap paper and THEN transcribe them into a single comment block. And good luck with your premature ejaculation problem.

  6. I think you're on to something here, although not the Rent-a-Buttplug idea--federal regulations on interstate transportation of HAZMAT ridden devices are waaaaay too restrictive. Given the goring of your turgid fan above, I think you should go into Dominatrix-by-Mail. Think of it, for a low low subscription price of say, $19.95, you too can recieve daily/weekly/monthly tongue lashing by the delivery system of your choice. Economic downturn got you stressed? Escape your problems by being verbally castigated by Mistress Claudia's lethal keyboard! Wife won't wear those leather thigh-highs you bought on Adam N Eve for your anniversary? Let Mistress Claudia ream you with her literary strap-on! Think of all of those poor frustrated male sheep out there in Suburbia, just begging for a return to the simple bliss of mother-whore oral castration. It's a veritable gold mine! You could think of it as a public service. All major credit cards accepted, plus Pay-pal....

    And yes, it can only be--the Owen Show

  7. I like the time line of the first comments. Outright rejection of the idea. Five minutes late, second thoughts, gradual acceptance of the idea. A minute late, feverish excitement, frantic searching of the web. Twenty minutes later, Crushing realization that it's been done. A half hour after that, it's actually his testicles that are being sent back to him in a mailer being dropped into the mailbox. I must be getting old, the world moves so fast these days....

    Where the hell did the ads go? Public service announcements? Doesn't Google realize that rent-a-tool is a public service for crying out loud? When I see a public service announcement for ending world hunger and I can't help but think of Sally Struthers, and then any ideas I might have had about sex toys, or sex in general are long gone. That is a public disservice.

  8. I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face