Thursday, February 26, 2009


There are simple, basic, common courtesies that women respond to well. They may not guarantee intercourse. But if you ignore them, you and your hand will be the only ones getting engaged. The good news is, you’ve known all this stuff since you were seven.

HOLD THE DOOR. This takes little effort. You simply lift your right hand, swing the door open, and let her walk through. This will give her a subtle taste of your masculinity, which could lead to her taking a big gulp of it sometime in the very near future.

WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE EATING. This pre-dinner table request also has great validity in the bedroom. Make mom proud. Soap up those hands, and any other area that you think might come in contact with a woman's mouth. After you’ve done the obligatory feeling of the breasts, the classic grabbing of the ass, you might want to use your hands in more creative ways. Women can be funny about putting stuff in their mouth if they’re not professionals. Whatever you hope to get into this alternative wet zone, simply make sure it’s going to be a pleasant experience, or you won’t be invited back next time.

USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE. Never, never yell at a woman. It scares them. If you are passionate, making a salient point, or are very very angry, don’t default to ear shattering desciples. Strong smart men can find words, and employ them steadily and with great conviction without ever raising their voice. The only time outdoor voices are permissible is in the bedroom. In this case, however, make sure she owns her home, you wouldn’t want your orgasm to be the reason she loses her lease.

STAND WHEN A LADY ENTERS THE ROOM. It is not enough that your penis stand at attention when a woman enters your zone. That is a base response, often elicited by an aging cocktail waitress, a plate of ribs, or a two degree shift in temperature. What really impresses a woman is some old school manners. When she walks towards her, give her, her skirt, her tits, their due respect. Rise and shine.

PLAY NICE. This is a tough one for both little boys and grown men. They’re not particularly wired to play nice. But try, you must. Be kind. Make sure she’s having a good time. Call her in the morning to tell her to have a nice day. That’s nice! The 'nice outside of the bedroom/very bad in the bedroom' combo will allow your penis to pencil in many more play dates.

Monday, February 23, 2009

SELLING: one advertising copywriter

(This is content created for my advertising portfolio website. It may appear in it's current form in the ABOUT ME section of the site.)

Claudia crafted her first piece of advertising at the age of 7. Setting up shop on the side of the road, selling reconstituted lemonade and holding a homemade sign that read, “Tips are excepted and expected.” It performed like gangbusters, bringing in $4.75 cents that day alone. Including 2 single dollar bills she had received in tips from her targeted demographic: People In Station Wagons Driving By. It was the crystallization of capitalism and creativity in Claudia’s mind, and also yielded an impressive pile of penny candy.

The advertising bug didn’t resurface until after graduating college with a BS in Theatre Arts. Fearing that theatre would prove to be too political, aggressive and competitive, Claudia chose a career in advertising instead.

Today, Claudia takes great pride in seducing, educating, manipulating, cajoling, bribing consumers across any demographic. Her love of acting combined with a fascination with quasi-legit psychology paperbacks brings her a unique ability to speak across a vast range of demographic targets and categories, including Condoms, Cars, Cosmetics, Cold and Flu Medications, as well as others that don’t even start with the letter “C”.

Flowing between all mediums: Print. Radio. TV. Web. Buzz. Telekinethis. Claudia likes to use them all, and not necessarily in that order. Sometimes using one or two at a time. Sometimes employing up to 4 or more.

Aside from occasionally dating complicated men, Claudia is single, and lives in (xxxxx) with her Miniature Schnauzer “Rosie”. When she’s not wrestling with her latest creative notion, she can be found kicking back on her rooftop terrace, sucking sweet lemonade through a straw.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Letter not from the Editor: Opposing Skewer-Points

This blogpost features highlights from one earnest reader’s viewpoints regarding blogposts from CLAUDTALKS. Under each “highlight” follows a brief counterpoint discussion from CLAUDTALKS. Some editorial license was taken, indicated by ellipses in the quoted text.

>Hi Claudia,
In "saying yes", you are the female equivalent of the worst of what men offer….It does not matter male or female if you don't have it together to satisfy your own needs then you are an addict and a hunter to have those needs met. Sex is a drug and if it is just the quick fix that you are after then ask your doctor for the script and have at it. When I read this first, i felt disappointed, I somehow expected or hoped for more from you.<

CLAUDTALKS RESPONDS: Let me first say, the FEMALE equivalent of the worst of what men offer?? I take exception. I am the worst of what MEN offer, period. Don’t second-class citizen me, buddy. Also, if sex is a drug, can you recommend a dealer that delivers to Brooklyn? I’m sorry you felt disappointed and had expected and hoped more from me. Imagine how my mother feels.

>"heart/gut" (blogpost about navigating relationships) i disagree, fortunately we have all our senses so that we can use them… Just as the conversation alone is not the whole picture, nor the look. If i meet someone on line i want to have lunch or a coffee with them as soon as is possible so at least then further on line communication is grounded in some reality.<

CLAUDTALKS RESPONDS: Sooo ‘heart/gut’ is a deeply personal account of my inner workings. You can’t touch my inner workings, outer workings, nooks n crannies, or nuthin. Also - when you mention lunch or coffee, is that one or the other? Can there be lunch AND coffee. Is there a limit to how much I can spend? I like those bloomin onions I’ve seen featured on TV.

>"Dating"…. Respect , ability to listen, attention to detail, and making sense out of chaos all come from entering the equation with your needs already met…eat and masturbate before going on a dinner date....<

CLAUDTALKS RESPONDS: Eating AND masturbating before a dinner date!?! I was hoping that a shower, nice underwear, and some strategically placed fancy French perfume would do. And by the way, knowing what your pre-date game plan involves, I’m going to insist that you wash your hands before we dig into that nacho platter.

>"the letter for sad" Yes, top of the list of ways to make yourself miserable is, to blame everyone else for your unhappiness.<

CLAUDTALKS RESPONDS: So your point is, why settle for a little miserable, when you can achieve a whole lotta misery by blaming everyone else for your happiness? This is really paridigm shifting stuff. I might be interested in your box set: “Achieve Negative Results By Projecting Your Own Misery Onto Chicks You’ll Never Sleep With.” (See QVC listing for times and 5 Value Pay option.)

>I have to say that when i started to read your blog i thought you to be cynical and shallow, but i realized that only cynical is true, and if that is just your edge for your writing perspective then it is not so bad.<

CLAUDTALKS RESPONDS: I take exception to your Myers Briggs assessment of moi personality. I am too shallow! Have you seen the men I’ve dated? Young, buff, and chiseled. And you were THIS CLOSE to getting a ride in my ultimate driving machine.

>There now i will send you all of this at the risk of being just more material for you to stir,devour,and spit.<

CLAUDTALKS RESPONDS: Stir, devour and spit? You forgot to enclose the rest of your grandmother’s recipe for Mac N Cheese.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

HEART/GUT: Who can you trust?

Act from the heart. Trust your gut. The heart is soft, unshackled by cynicism. But the gut knows better. Does he confer with the mind and heart, then have a sit down with past experience? Is there a gut response not fettered by information we’ve garnered along the way. It has been known to strong arm the heart into submission. In that case, it better be right.

The heart is a wistful, wishing, and naïve. A pure state of flowers, streams, clean air and four bedroom houses.

The gut has no patience for that crap. He cannot be swayed by apologies. He doesn’t deal in grey areas. He doesn’t paint outside the lines. No time for that. He is a man of certainty and action. Can he be trusted? Or is it just better to just ask a friend?

Saturday, February 14, 2009


I hardly feel like an expert, I have not met anyone from CL in over two years. But here are some things that I’ve garnered from my extensive career in posting, interacting on the site, plus stuff that men and women have shared with me.

Craigslist is Christmas everyday if you’re a woman looking to get laid. I’m not talking about the lowlifes that send you dick pictures, I’m talking about good looking, buff, sexually charged 20 something guys. Firemen, cops, media buyers, ex wall street guys with time on their hands. It’s like a free escort service. Don’t expect to turn this transaction into a date. It’s an address, and a messy exchange.

For the guys, it seems like every post is spam, or a service of ill repute. That said, I’m sure that people do meet, but I’m not sure to what end, I don’t think you’re getting Eharmony results on Craigslist. I think if you’re serious about finding a relationship or life partner, the paid dating sites could be the way to go. The financial investment required of its members may reflect a level of earnestness towards finding, meeting, and loving a real live person.

Are real long-term relationships born on CL? Yes, but sometimes in a more circuitous route. I’ve heard instances more than once of relationships that developed out of a NSA (no strings attached) arrangement. Sometimes the way in to love is lust. If sex is the glue to a solid bond between two people, what better way in?

Married guys looking to hook up? Craigslist might be the forum for you. But again, you might want to pony up a couple of bills for a website more targeted to your pressing needs. There’s a dating site just for you and likeminded cheaters. It’s called This too good to be true marrieds only dating site is apparently true, discreet, and effective.

A note to hot guys that want to get laid: don’t answer posts in the LTR section, trying to convert a relationship seeker into a phone sex partner, or a one-night stand. You may hit the lottery here, but generally this strategy of turning relationship seekers into a smarmy quick hit doesn’t work anymore than me trying to convert a smutty guy into relationship material. Like the time this handsome, charming officer of the law called me and tried to engage me in phone sex, and I kept asking him where he grew up and how many brothers and sisters he had. We hit the wall pretty quickly.

If you’re a woman, there is a range of experience beyond the hot young calendar worthy hunks and the serial responders with cut and paste bios. If you take the time to write a fresh, inviting, intriguing post, there are some decent candidates. In the last month alone, I received mail from a New York Times reporter, a former writer from The Post, and two published authors. And a producing screen writer. All very charming, articulate, and ready to get into relationships. There are also a wealth of working class guys, but this can prove tricky due to their sometimes limited ability to communicate effectively in email. These guys could be perfectly fun, charming, and loveable in person. It’s sometimes worth a shot to use the number they usually send you in the first or second email. The phone might be a better medium to meet these no-nonsense types with big hearts and the ability to fix your shower.

Have any great Craigslist stories to report? Something I missed? No doubt! I’d love to hear from you, leave a comment!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Letter For Your Sad Sack

I occasionally get correspondence from men who graze in my blog.
Some of these guys are intelligent and insightful, some are average and insightful.
Some are kinda dumb. Some are kinda sexy. Others are just sad and sad-sack-ie. This post is dedicated to them.

It is in my best interest as a blogger, and as a good person to be kind and benevolent to those who take the time to read and comment. Exchanging emails and situations is de rigueur.
However, there comes a point that certain folks will go over the line and do a full-on dump of their particular difficult situation. You can see it the moment you open the email. Ranting, incomplete sentences, ellipses, “she said this, she did that, then she did differently than what she first said”… you see a lot of “she’s” peppering the page. This is a May Day situation. This is never appropriate stuff to share with strangers during what should be a light email exchange. I mean, even if we’re not trying to get laid, aren’t we still trying to be engaging? There is a reason people pay good money for others to listen to people’s problems - because it’s painfully boring. And so, when I politely, kindly try to explain this in carefully chosen words, I am more often than not met with personal attacks. I’m told that I am surface, cold, trite, and soulless. And that’s the turning point when you leave me no other choice but to call you what you are: a Big Weiner. Look it up, it’s been documented as a personality type. It’s a whiner that chooses to stay in the whiner state. So much so, that you eclipse the whiner state, and become a full on Big Wiener. It’s a whiner/victim hybrid.

I will tell you that you are angry and self-pitying and stuck in your mire, and that it’s not sexy to me, or any woman, man, or recruiter. And, yeah, I feel a little bit bad about it, I try to keep the beotch down in the hole, but she’s doing us both a great service. I will not have to listen to any more whining. And if you listen, you will possibly become unstuck and claim some happiness for yourself. Because whining begets only one thing: more whining. Here’s a little self-help catchphrase I just coined, sitting here typing: no whining is winning. And what do you win? Why, more self-awareness, self-responsibility. Improved self-esteem. A better sense of control. That begets other stuff you can win, like a nice woman, a better boss, more sex, and a more satisfying life, which you can brag about, instead of whining about.

You might even want to thank me one day, so careful before you delete my final email. Beotches can be tough to take, but they’re usually right.

Do I have it all altogether? No way. Do I have personal problems? Sure!! But that’s why they call it personal. What if I wrote 12 pages of unfunny, self-pitying stuff with a sad clown as the visual, or a lonely kitty in a basket. Would you still be reading? The beotch lured you here. The beotch will send you back from whence you came, if you come from a little town called “Weinerville”.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


It will be Sodom and Gormorrah in my neighborhood, my friend speculated, just not in those words. I saw a rare expression of sadness and terror on his usually Zen-like face. He knows of these things, he is learned in finance, he used to work deals for a major international financial institution. He looked me square in the face and said, “No, you don’t get it. It’s going to get really, really bad.”

Does that mean I shouldn’t go ahead with my dream kitchen?

If this is stage one of amegeddon, shopping high end appliances seems fundamentally wrong.

I never dreamt of weddings. I dreamt of kitchens. All the amazing houses my parents managed to get us invitations to so we could see how people with both taste and money lived. It’s not about conspicuous consumption. It’s an art form. A finely designed and appointed kitchen is an inspiring place to create. Tools of a certain caliber not only improve your end product, they enhance the process and deliver a wonderful tactile component to the experience.

I’ve always loved a good Ikea kitchen, you round the corner at Ikea, and BAM!! It’s like OZ. But they feel so temporary, and look better in certain light, like a one night stand that looked good at first, but bad after a little use. I want cabinets that I can lean on, that I know will stick around.

In these times of economic turmoil, sacrifices are imminent. Mine will be the Sub-Zero. This monolithic appliance sets the standard in refrigeration, is the height of status, but what people don’t understand is that they’re just plain wonderful. The feel of it, the quality of every square inch. But it’s got to go. It’s my nod to the times, to my recent pink slip. It wanted to keep special cheeses in it, and all the other foods served at the big American dream. But I’ll go with the German model, it simply makes more sense.

So tomorrow, I will call my contractor and start to draw money from bank accounts that I may soon need to buy gas masks, water, and canned goods. Will I look back at this moment with regret? What if the fires of doom sweep across the continent and finally do make their way outside my window. Surely it’s only moments before the doors to my condo heat up and blow open, backing me into the corner of my kitchen. The moment I will stare regret in the face. The moment I think, “I should have gone for the Sub Zero.”

Friday, February 6, 2009


Everyone on Facebook is having such a great time. Look at those faces, they’re laughing when they’re alone, ebullient with all their friends, drinking, partying, making great things happen wherever they go. I’m a little bit jealous.

I guess it makes sense, put your best foot forward. You wouldn’t have a picture of yourself holding up a pink slip on your Christmas card. But Facebook happens more than once a year. Could there be it be a more layered storybook of our lives? Or is that just no fun at all. I’m sorry, that’s not very Facebook of me.

It also appears that people are spending a lot of time on Facebook, (“welcome to Crackbook!” said my friend who invited me to be special FB friends) where do they find the time to have all that fun? Are there Facebook breaks where everyone puts down their Facebook at a predetermined time, goes to a good times destination to create the shiny new content for the next day?

As you can see, I’m a little conflicted over the whole experience.
That’s the thing with Facebook, you either love it. Or you love it more.


It’s great when I’m fortunate enough to receive feedback on these posts.
Cyber flirting was yesterday’s topic, and I had a plethora of input from those who partake. All of them happened to be male.

One very articulate man confessed that he had fallen deeply in love with a woman online, who lived half way around the world. Their cyber soul mate affair lasted 5 years. Yet, they never met in person. The online affair was discovered, his marriage was destroyed. He and his wife are now divorced. She’s moved on. He claims to be happily single, although he sounds wistful, and repentant.

Another man wrote that he gets into all sorts of nasty fun with the ladies online.
He goes home to his wife, tells her all about it and how aroused it made him feel. This is their foreplay, he brings all those dirty thoughts home and he and his partner go hog wild in the bedroom, and Lord knows where else.
This is a great option, I think.

Some of the guys that admitted to having cyber sex online insisted that is was well within their right, as sex was completely absent from the marriage. This, to them is a safe option when their wives leave them with “no other choice.” Others guys said that it’s no big deal - again, within their right to explore this avenue of dirty fun, regardless of what’s happening at home. A couple of these "gentlemen" mentioned the possibility of getting caught with some trepidation, but at very low levels.

There’s also a married fellow that sounds as though he’s found the perfect safe playmate. He justifies it with a more voyeuristic approach. He and his online gal pal don’t explore a back and forth cyber sexual experience, rather this gentleman receives reports from the field from his articulate, explicit female online friend. That, and the occasional description of her less public body parts. They also discuss other things, it was important for him to clarify.

Then, my most, and least favorite: the surprisingly inarticulate fellow who kindly offered to forward me 8 months of filth-packed transcripts from his online affair. Despite his offer to ‘clean them up a little’ before forwarding the entire series to my email account, I politely declined his offer.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


I was exchanging lackluster emails with a man, after which I received a more invigorating email from his wife. He was someone I had fished off the internet to read my blog. Kind enough to give my stuff a read, I returned the favor by giving him a post blog email or two. The conversation with the husband was simple: Hi, how are you. Fine, how are you. I had coffee and a waffle for breakfast. He had coffee and a Pop-Tart. It wasn’t sexy stuff, or soul mate stuff. I tried to explain this to his wife. I needed to make her understand. I felt for her. Maybe her husband was talking to all sorts of women about his Pop-Tart.

Would that be cheating? You hear this topic bandied about all the time. “What is cheating?” Intercourse would surely qualify. That’s a guaranteed go directly to the dog house possibly see you in divorce court cheat. But in some cases, intercourse is pre-approved by the spouse. At which point, you can’t really call it cheating.

So is it all just a matter of disclosure? Might all couples have a sit down to discuss permissible behavior? A list of do’s and don’ts? It seems like a good idea, but the minute you get a spouse’s seal of approval, it kind of takes the fun out of it. Cyber flirting doesn’t work if you have to get a signed permission slip from your mom.

Still, should all activities with members of the opposite sex be pre-approved? Is that the only way that people in relationships or marriage can feel safe? But if there is a real need to establish rules and boundaries, are you with the right person? Or do relationships always necessitate a rulebook? A just in case when you’re in doubt book.

I recently had a beer with a high school boyfriend. He not only called his wife to get her to sign off on us going for coffee, he called her again when we upgraded to beer. But the beer had not been pre-approved. He took a couple of feigned laid back sips, and darted out shortly thereafter, leaving half a beer, and a half eaten plate of Nachos Especial in his wake. I found the whole thing to be pitiful and lovely at the same time. Short leashes may not be sexy, but they do reflect a commitment and respect between the two people at either end.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

5 Misconceptions Men Have About Dating Women

This can be true in real life, and online where photographs are usually required.
For instance, an average guy can go either way in a woman’s eyes depending upon what he’s wearing or driving. That one’s kind of obvious. With photographs, here’s the core insight: There’s a wealth of information going on in the background.

Have you been professionally photographed in front of a mottled background?
This might indicate a lack of sophistication, or sense of irony. Humorlessness also comes to mind. It may also indicate a certain amount of desperation. No one wants to hire a man photographed in such a way. Not an employer, or a romantic prospect.

That said, all professional portrait photography is not problematic. But you want to do your research and go for those artists that have an air of reality in their work. Generally, leaving it to friends, family, and other non-professionals is the way to go. Shirt on is my personal preference.

Other background indicators: the filthy kitchen. I don’t think I need to go into the implications of such a visual. Unmade beds, laundry heaps, mops and pails. All should be avoided, even if the broom closet does provide the best light source for your camera phone.

Unfortunate decorating choices. There’s nothing more depressing than a worn out, faded, mint colored comforter with the tiny roses, next to a nightstand full of tiny glass figurines. This is not a bra dropping visual. But even exquisite backgrounds can be a problem. Like shooting yourself in Versailles, or against an exquisite Hawaiian sunset. It’s like that moment was IT for you, and it’s been downhill ever since. Go for something more everyday,

Worst possible background: your ex-wife or hot girlfriend. You may think that you’re making a point that you can in fact get women, or that you’re setting the standard for the level of hotness that you require. This is a huge turnoff. You want her to picture herself standing next to you, not some random pair of big boobs.

Kinda true, kinda not. Generally, only really screwed up chicks like a-holes. What is an a-hole? A guy that treats women well, then treats them really badly. He might have a certain macho bravado about him. He might say whatever it takes to get everything from a woman, like sex, and her self-respect. Obviously, you don’t want those women anyway. But here’s the rub, nobody likes a, how do I say this, wimp, pussy, or sad-sack. It’s not really a good idea to talk about stuff like how you see happy couples and it makes you sad. Or how lonely you are. Or you need someone to complete you. Even if this is how you feel, it’s best to put your best foot forward in the beginning. In general, though, women want confident, funny men who are sexy. But be very very careful with the sexy part. One wrong move, poorly chosen word, one inappropriate picture, and you’re out with the trash. And what if you’re not confident or sexy? Many women will forgo these charms if you can at least make her laugh. And what if humor isn’t in your bag of tricks? Sincerity works as a last resort. Just avoid sentences like, “I’m looking for good hugs and intimate times with a lovely lady”. Corny lingo from the 70’s is like nails on a chalkboard to women. Write from the heart, the love should follow with like minded folks of the opposite sex.

I’ll just jump right in on this one and say definitively: Do not talk about your ex-wife who cheated on you but you’ve forgiven and are now moving on. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend who cheated on you, pretended to love you, but now you’re over it. Don’t talk about your dead wife who you loved dearly, but you’ve healed and now you’re ready to date again. If you’re saying these things you’re not moving on, over it, or ready to date again. Beside that, personal relationship history is not a first conversation, or even a second. Keep that in mind, and make sure that if you have outstanding issues, you work them through with a therapist, your mother, or another drunk guy at the bar. Just not with a woman you hope to have sexual relations with.

This is absolutely not the case. Just walk around the streets of New York City. Yes, there is a 10:1 ratio of single women to men, but there’s more to it. You see really beautiful girls with really nerdy, average looking men all of the time. Here’s what they have going for them. They listen. I see it in restaurants, the streets, and on the subway. He’s intently listening to every word she says, and proving it by giving her feedback. The thing with these guys is they generally really care. You can’t fake caring. You can fake it for one or two drinks, but really hot women know better than to give it up after one or two drinks. It takes 2-3 weeks of platonic listening for her to let down her guard. But if you’re one of those guys, you’re not even thinking about “her guard”. Or at least not in those words.

This is tricky. Most women want to know that men see her as commitment worthy. We all know that men basically break women down into one of two categories: Sluts or Marriage Material. So, for a woman to even think of acting like a slut, she usually has to have some indication that she’s at least being considered for the marriage position. This is tricky and requires a little more explanation. This could be a post unto itself. More to come.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Party in the hood. But which hood?

It’s Friday night, and 20-something’s call their delivery service that arrives as sure as Domino’s and choose their $50’s from a virtual spice rack of designer weed. It’s the weekend, so sensible amounts of cocaine are purchased, with actual real cocaine right in it. Drug dealers in expensive zip codes look just like you, have pride in their product, and wouldn’t dream of diluting their brand with substandard merchandise. They may even hang around for a round or two of Guitar Hero.

Meanwhile, uptown in the Bronx, people are partying, too. PCP is a street corner away, and it’s all the rage. PCP is not a ‘70’s thing - it’s showing up on street corners and on arrest sheets in urban areas everywhere. A guy I know, a cop who’s unfortunate enough to work above 168 street, complained of a violent headache from PCP fumes from a drug arrest he’d just made. A debilitating drug, the fumes are nauseating and toxic. But for some in the Bronx, it’s just another party. Do they gather around flaming oil drums, just like on TV, as sure as high white youths from good homes gather around their Wii’s?

Plainclothes cops don’t customarily ride through the streets of Williamsburg hunting hipsters in skinny jeans, oversized sunglasses and hydro-scented Brooklyn Industries bags. Is NYPD’s focus on drug activity uptown based on the fact that it’s simply not very pretty? That user’s drug infused grins reveal dental armageddon, not Park Avenue enhanced pearly whites? Yes, PCP is inherently repugnant, closer to the eye of the storm of drug wars and organized crime violence, and is rarely consumed before a cultural stroll through the Met. But at the end of the day is a party just a party?

If the consumption of crack or PCP goes without violent incident, is the arrest an arrest, or a societal value judgment? And what lasting value to society does it provide? Prison time rarely rehabilitates drug addicts. It usually just provides them with better contacts. Arrests, incarceration and court appointed attorneys are exorbitantly costly, money that might be better spent on government funded social programs that may bring about meaningful change in their communities. Then we could spare the boys in blue the headache.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

What’s That Coming Between Our Friendship?

You make plans as “friends”. A boy, a girl, share a meal together. Have a drink or three. You are drawn to each other. Is it common interests, like literature, current events, or botany? Or is there always another conversation going on between two parties. The parties in our pants?

One of my oldest and dearest friends is a guy. We talk about everything, we spend a lot of time together, and we are legitimately just friends. But when I think about it, we don’t go out for dinner, have drinks alone, or spend much time together after 8PM. Does friendship have a curfew? Is my buddy reserving his peak hours for girl’s he might actually “get some” with?

I was challenged by a another friend recently to question my insistence that men and women can be just friends. We used to be more than just friends, and our friendly friendship is staying on track by following one simple rule: never, ever be in the same room. He insists that male/female friendships inevitably implode with desire, or just sizzle out for lack of sizzle. That’s a hard notion for me to accept. I want men in my life. I’m one of those independent, quite possibly psychologically flawed women that actually prefer living alone. I’m relationship avoider, I don’t like what they become, or what I become in them. Yet, I crave that male energy. But I’m starting to come around to this guy’s way of thinking. This whole friendship thing between men and women might just be a ruse. It’s like a guy asking you to sleep over and just cuddle. He wants to cuddle in your cavern. And that’s why sleepovers are best left to 7 year old girls in supervised settings. As friendships are best left between grown up girls, and even then things can become dicey.

So. Am I FOS? Are my attempts at male friendships just veiled attempts to hang out with guys that I’m basically attracted to? Is my need for “male energy” just code for “I’m f’n horny?” Is hangin’ with a cute guy just a way to feel sparks without the hassle of getting involved, feeling vulnerable, or feeling the inevitable ennui that sets in? Is it fun having a sexy friendship, without sex? Is that satisfaction enough? Should there be a new label, something that fills the slot between “Friend” and “Friends With Benefits” called “Sexy Friend”?

Let’s face it, no guy trying to entice you into a horizontal play date wants to hear the excuse, “I think it’s better if we’re just friends.” “I’m actually a man down there,” or “I have been diagnosed terminal sexually transmitted disease,” those are music to his ears. But the dreaded “Let’s be friends” will cause him and his one-eyed snake to wince in horror. He doesn’t wonder about subtext like, “I’m attracted to you, but I’m scared of men.” Or, “I want to date you, but I’m setting up some parameters so you don’t expect oral gratification on date one.” Or, “We’ll never have sex. We will never be friends. But I care about your feelings.” At the end of the day, it really makes no difference to most guys. Most men will respond in one of two ways. He will, A) take it as a challenge and take the >panties on the floor or die< approach. Or B) leave you to your other friends, which are probably made up entirely of women.