Monday, March 9, 2009


Today I considered changing my Facebook relationship status from “Single” to “Sore”.
But much to my chagrin, no such option exists.

Supplied options leave little to the imagination. You can check “Single”, to “It’s Complicated” (an open-ended descriptor that begs many questions from “Newly separated?” “Generally confused?” “Still trying to pin-down favorite condiment for ongoing sploshing habit?”) And, finally –The Ladies Choice: “In A Relationship”. The ultimate buzz-kill option for all those viewing your FB profile, save for “Married” which may as well be switched out to “Legally Dead” as far as most FB poontang perusers are concerned.

Suggested FB Relationship Status options might be: “Tied To Bed And Left For Dead”. (A bit unweildy, yet nicely evocative.) “Fighting”. A bit vague. Upside implications include jealousy-fueled exchanges that end in mind-altering make-up sex. Downside would be: tumbling down other side of marriage bell curve on virtual fire pole with Crisco-slicked hands. “F*ckin’ n Fightin' " might be a simple fix, albeit it’s hillbilly intonation. “Bruised” also comes to mind. Inherent domestic violence suggestion is troublesome, but glass-half-full take of weekend of wrists pinned to floorboards sex is somewhat pleasing. “Bruised” could also imply emotional scarring, but at that point could be easily switched out for, “Baggaged”. A badge that few could deny, and none would admit to on Facebook, let along the therapist’s sofa.

So I’ve culled down some personally customized Facebook status options for today: “Doing Laps In Electrolytes” comes to mind. “Seeking Pre-Treatment Stain Removers” works, too. Or simply go for the less coy/more candid combo: “Want Your Ass Back ASAP”.

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