Tuesday, May 5, 2009


My mother went to see Deepak Chopra speak in San Diego. He posed a question to the audience, which she imparted to me: Which couple do you think is more likely to survive long term. A) The couple with many shared interests? –or- B) The couple with strong sexual compatibility? I was surprised. Deepak claimed that the answer was “B”.

You hear all the time that the sex goes. It’s a tool that biology puts in place to bring couples together, six months to a year later, the media picks up the slack with TV shows that will keep you nestled together on the sofa, genitalia safely tucked away behind bathrobes, boxers, and flannel PJs.

Is this why divorce is so common? They say that financial concerns are a major threat. Or “growing apart” is a common issue. But is “growing apart” just code for the cock not growing, and coming away from the vagina? Is it a case of which came first? Does the emotional dynamic grow feeble, causing the sexual connection to wither and die? Or does sex take the lead, causing frustration, resentment, and the non-literal bond to go flaccid?

If the sex goes first, could it simply be the case that you were never really sexually compatible in the first place? Is one partner more sexual than the other? Was the other partner feigning sexual interest to appear more compatible, or using it as commerce? Is one partner more edgy than the other? Hiding their desire to share leather, or porn, or their desire to wear women’s undergarments? In the beginning, we all put forward our “ideal selves”. Unfortunately, there is nothing ideal about creating yourself in the image of what you believe your partner will ‘buy’. If your partner does not except you in your leather, your handcuffs, your very specific undergarments, your secret desires will be kept secret. And if there is one secret you should never keep from a partner, I believe it is your sexual truth.

I have spent entire relationships lying. Not about where I’ve been, or who I’m with, but about what turns me on. I was ashamed about my sexual truth, and thought it was business best kept between my hand and pussy. I thought that sex didn’t matter. I put sex last on my list of ‘must haves’. Truthfully, it didn’t even make the list. I thought that sex, dirty sex, was a fantasy in every sense of the word. Predictably, those relationships ended. I’d look back and say that the sex sucked. But how can you look back in regret over a failed sexual connection, when it was nowhere on your wish list in the first place. Maybe along the way you meet people who awaken that side of you, or you speak to a friend that has a rich sexual bond within a seasoned relationship, and suddenly you take stock. Now, I know better. I long for a dynamic, open, mutually expressive sexual connection. It’s not everything, but it tops the list. Communication is King, and I love it not only sitting across from each another at the kitchen table, but on the kitchen floor, on crumpled sweaty sheets, or outside my terrace doors.

Yet, I still question Deepak. I’m not sure that I trust my prioritization of sex in meaningful relationships. Am I still at heart rather Victorian? Do I have my Russian friend, Katya in my ear? Who burned up the last six months of her single hood with deliciously filthy hijinx, only to finally choose and become engaged to a warm, honest, wonderful man that she rarely has sex with? She insists to me that sex is sport. And it certainly can be, and a great sexual connection is certainly no indication of love. And lust can feel like love. How do you sort it out and know when to promote lust to love? Is it a shared love for theater, that you laugh at the same jokes? Is it simply similar toppings on your pizza? And what if you took sex off the table, could you separate it out, and see what love remains? Can the soul survive on Chinese food or Italian, or ethics, or shared values? Deepak would say ‘no’.

So I’m confused. I don’t know exactly what I need. Must my man share my love for great Mexican food? Is it imperative that he drive fast? I know he must be kind, and do his best to be giving, and like dogs, and trees, and open communication. But one thing's for sure: he must like sex, like it more than once a week, and he must like it dirty, and intense, and sometimes sweet. I guess the question isn’t ‘what is the glue’. It’s who’s holding yours.


  1. You ask a lot of questions.
    If it's right it's right. It's a gut thing not a crotch thing.

  2. So many things to say, I don't know where to begin. I'm not sure the two choices that Chopra offers apply to everyone or are mutually exclusive. Maybe you have to have both, or maybe you have to have more. For me, a shared sense of humor is the most important thing. If my husband couldn't still make me laugh after all the years and shit we've been through, I don't think shared interests or sexual compatibility would be enough to keep us together. But maybe that's just me. I think that's the heart of what I'm trying to say -- it's what's important to the individual (or the couple) that matters, not what some outsider says.

    Also I think you have to look at this over the long term. Losing interest in each other sexually after 6 months sounds like a problem to me. But what about 10, 20 years down the road? After a while, things change. Sex isn't as exciting as it was when you first fell in love. That doesn't mean it can't be great, just that it loses its importance in the bigger picture. Especially if you add kids to the mix. All the more reason that you have to have more to fall back on than sex. But whatever that "more" is isn't an absolute that can be applied to everyone across the board.

  3. You have a point. But the blink response isn't always to be trusted. Also, "When you know you know" would be a very short piece.
    Thanks for readin and commentin!

  4. Aminator, I think you're absolutely right. I missed a lot here, particularly the past 10 year perspective. Kids are a huge factor that is not on my particular radar. And there are no answers or absolutes, correctamundo.

  5. It's hard to have a solid, long-lasting relationship without good sex, but there has to be more than just good sex. If a relationship starts with good sex and has all of the other things you want in a relationship, the sex won't change in quality. It may change in quantity depending on kids, schedules, sleep needs, etc., but not the quality, especially if all of the other things that make you love your partner are still there. The bottom line is that I think Deepak's question is ridiculous. A successful relationship needs both sexual compatibility and shared interests.

  6. I think you sound like you have everything you want and need. And I'm glad you left this comment. I'm also praying that my mother quoted the big D correctly, I'm starting to wonder... ;)

  7. Willie Nelson came up with a great one recently: "I never thought I'd outlive my own dick!"

    I'm 67, had a bad fall, head injury a year ago, been taking Flecanide for my heart for 3 or 4 years....I get excited, the Flecanide says to the brain "No!, No!, something is wrong, stop it!"
    Let me tell ya, no blood no glory! I still keep trying, not giving up yet at all...
    Really enjoying this blog, found it only a couple of weeks ago. Rant on!!

  8. I guess what I am saying, there is a lot to it....I'm married, 2 lovely daughters...it goes on...some things drop out, sometime you focus on the shit, but shit happens.....looking for the good stuff, accepting the rest.

  9. Hey, Man. Love the Willie Nelson quote. Drug side effects can be a bear. I love your 'tude, though.

    Focusing on the shit can be a default. But "looking for the good stuff, accepting the rest." you said a mouthful. you caught me on a good day to hear that....

    thanks for readin', and appreciatin'. i'll try to keep crankin'.....

  10. Like Dracula, I stop by periodically. This evening found nothing to read....I know, I know, you have a life and can be busy. Not grousing, a little disappointed is all, will probably get me to stop by with more regularity - as Major Hoople would say, "Harrumph!" Me thinks you too young for the Major...he was a hoot. Always wandered what it would be like if he and Pogo sat down for a chat. Whoa!...would that be a literary exercise!! LOL My 17 yr. old daughter graduated with honors, taking up creative writing....she is good, very good. But hey, this is not fodder for here, talkative this eve. aren't we! I trust all is well in paradise!!? :) xo J.

  11. Yo, Jeff! I posted just yesterday! Why are you lingering back here in IS SEX THE GLUE?? Read about my new kitchen, and the exploits that will soon take place there!

    I had a fine evening out tonight. There was much wine, food, and excitement in the air, but alas, not quite blog worthy.

    Please check back, Jeff. I do what I can...

    Also - kudos on your child... you must be thrilled, as is she, i'm sure. If she doesn't have a blog, encourage her. I'd love to read her writings....

    All is well, I am back working for the man, a bit, seeking out more fun for my sexuality and spirit, I shall keep y'all posted!


  12. Hi! Just got back from a performance of my youngests' choir group. Also she sang a solo, accompanied by piano...she was so fine! She actually performed, the others arrived, sang and left. She was so cool!!!!

    Now I want to tell you something, I sincerely hope I don't overstay...background; when the oldest was a baby, she would oft wake in the night....if it was not hunger, than it came to me...I cuddled her in my arms, went outside and walked the foot path throuh our 10 acres of 90' Pine trees while she lay there staring at the tops of these huge trees and the sky til she slept....sometimes we would walk for an hour!!

    Now jump ahead to 3rd grade (!). She wrote a poem by request (that to me always made me think of haiku) that went like this;

    Trees are tall
    They look like giants
    But they are just trees
    Standing in the night.

    Being the dad I think this is incredible for 3rd grade!! And, oh, she has gotten better.