Monday, August 23, 2010


Dear Ms. Brandt,

I stole your purse.

I had to get it off of my chest, I think of you every time I use it, which is a lot.

“Stole” isn’t quite the right word, you’d left your husband a couple of months back before he and I had started dating. I noticed the cutest little bag in the closet you shared and asked him if I could borrow it; he said it was OK. But one shouldn’t take things that aren’t yours. You don’t need to read The Bible to know better than that.

I heard that you had left one day very suddenly; packed up the car quietly, said that you were leaving and were gone within the hour. The few things that you left behind I figured weren’t your favorites, or you had run out of space in the GTI.

I was wondering why you would leave that way, so suddenly and without warning, but as soon as I saw the big hole kicked in one of the closet doors in your apartment I realized you were probably just being on the safe side.

As far as the purse goes, maybe you remember it. It’s the little brown bag with the long strap with the big brass studs at each corner. I don’t think it was very expensive – it’s pleather, after all. But some of the best pleather I’ve ever seen – very leather-like in appearance. The faux bag had me fooled – so much so, I went to treat it with mink oil one day with disastrous results; the mink oil couldn’t be absorbed by the man-made material, stayed on the surface and got all over my favorite pair of jeans. I guess that’s what they call karma, ha! Regardless, I’ve gotten tons of compliments on the bag (just an aside and a testament to your good taste.)

Just so you know I intended to borrow it for just that one day, but then that turned in to the whole weekend, and then the weekend after that. I wanted to tell you, but I don’t know you – so that made it tough. The fact is – I had picked out a bag from my closet to give to you that I thought you might like. It was a Coach bag around the same size that would fulfill the same purpose – a casual small bag that’s good for quick runs to the mall, an evening out, or an afternoon brunch. I wanted to send it to you there in your country but it seemed inappropriate, more so than the initial snatching of your purse. But I felt guilty the whole way down that slippery slope to "ownership" and still have twinges today.

I always heard you were about the nicest person in the world and never said an unkind word about anyone. People like you deserve to be happy, I guess everyone does, but people like you in particular. Hope this faux leather purse apology finds you well.

I pray you’re not offended by this post (it’s from the heart) or by the fact that I stole your bag (which comes from some darker place in me). I do apologize; I took something from you that wasn’t mine and use it almost everyday – the fact that I cherish it and am showing remorse for my actions may soften any ill you may have towards me. Seeing as you supposedly don’t have any unkind words for anyone, you may have already forgiven me, who knows.

I could send the bag back : ( , or send you some money for it via PayPal if you have an account. Or you could take your choice of any of my Coach bags, I’d be happy to send you one – even if it wasn’t an equal trade. I figure I owe you big time.

Well that’s about it, Ms. Brandt. I hope you read this blogpost, I’ve noticed you visit here from time to time; I appreciate your readership. I was always impressed by your courage, envious of your benevolent nature, and clearly quite taken with your taste in accessories.




  1. The big hole in the closet brushed that off huh? Of course, you never saw the holes I punched in my bedroom door over at the old place. Spackling! The play-doh of psychotics.

  2. HAHAHAAAAA!!! good one. And yeah, you caught that, huh?