Thursday, February 25, 2010

ODE TO OLD BOYFRIENDS

Old boyfriends remind you that someone in the world really understands what makes you tick, and still finds that stuff interesting enough to stick around.

Old boyfriends keep you honest. You cannot reinvent yourself with an old boyfriend who knows the real you. In spite of your attempts to appear more clever, more together, less insecure, they know the truth, and don’t hesitate to call you on it.

Old boyfriends sometimes have better memories of the relationship than when they left it.
Never underestimate revisionist history when it comes to your old relationship. “Never look back” is good advice, but accepting that it wasn’t all bad helps you move forward. So touch base with your old boyfriend, he’ll put a positive spin on the whole thing.

Old boyfriends sometimes want you back. Because inexplicably, they somehow feel rejected. They may have cheated on you, not returned your phone calls, but that’s all a wash. If they can’t see you naked now, it just plain hurts. This can be somewhat rewarding. Just be clear on the new terms of service. Nobody likes a cock tease. Especially an old boyfriend cock tease.

Old boyfriends hate new boyfriends. They’ll tell you to be careful, tell you that he’s only using you for sex, that they’re not spending enough quality time together out of the bedroom - all the stuff you wish someone would have told you when you were dating him.

Old boyfriends really care. They have nothing to gain. They know they’re probably not going to get any, yet they’re there, as a friend. You can bend their ear about all sorts of stuff – jobs, hobbies, hopes, fears, just don’t talk about new crushes. Conversation over.

Old boyfriends teach you what to look for in new boyfriends. We sometimes forget the good in people that we’ve dated. Spending time with an old boyfriend can remind you what you actually saw in him, and help identify what qualities to look for in your new relationships.

Old boyfriends remind you of red flags you ignored. Did he mention he was bad at relationships? Wanted to sleep with his ex-wife’s mother or sister? When you’re at a restaurant, does he do his impersonation of one of those cat clocks with the shifting eyes? These early warning signs are the reason your boyfriend became your old boyfriend. Therefore reminding you not to ignore them in your next boyfriend.

Old boyfriends, the good ones, will be there. To buy you an occasional dinner, to help you in emergencies, to support your dreams and ridiculous fantasies. And yes, to remind you that you still have a magical effect on Mr. Happy – even if he has to go home sad.

10 comments:

  1. Sorry to say that I think this is an ode to YOUR old boyfriends, not old boyfriends in general. It certainly doesn't apply to mine, unfortunately.

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  2. ODE TO A-HOLES

    Old boyfriends suck, they leave you for size 2 strippers, you come home one day and all their stuff is moved out- not leaving you so much as a note and there you are lying on the floor in the fetal position - a mere ball o' sadness and low self esteem - the only men that will ever love you again are named "Ben" and "Jerry".... :)

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