COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS OF THE LTR ON CRAIGSLIST

So, I'm poking around the LTR section of Craigslist. "LTR," that's short for long term relationship. I guess it could be misconstrued. Back in the day it meant a respectful, loving relationship between two people. But times they are a changin', this fact is never more nakedly exposed than on Craigslist.

Let's start with the guy who is a professional reader of women's nipples. He claims if you show him your nipples he can tell you everything about you, your future, and what you need to become a complete, happy person. He goes on to say in a Madison Ave-type subhead - "This stuff really works!" Did he run this claim through legal? Did this "Areola Expert" get a degree at the TTS Academy? Does nipple reading qualify as a LTR? It sounds to me like more of a short office visit. If so, will my claim get bounced back from my HMO?

Then there's the minimalist poster in the Long Term Relationship section, who shares his romantic intentions – all synthesized in one word: "FISTING!" What kind of return would one get in the men for women LTR section? Is this every straight girl's dream? Perhaps "DINNER AND A MOVIE AND FISTING" would be more fitting for this audience. I don't know. I'm sure there are some nice women who might partake in the not so gentle act of fisting. Perhaps "FISTING AND SPOONING" might be more akin to what today’s women are looking for. But that's just me. I mean, not me. I just want dinner and a movie and maybe a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I'm not much for fisting – but no judgments.

So, moving on down the list I come upon, "Shaved? Or 1970's Bush?" I appreciate a man who's open minded to blonds or brunettes, skinny or Rubenesque, long hair or short – but he's specifying the grooming habits of your pubis? He's into Brazillians, and I don't mean women who wear string bikinis who sing the bossa nova. That said, he is an equal opportunity pubis-specifier. He's also open to the Angela Davis' of venus mounds. Are these appropriate checklist entries for LTR's? I'm thinking something more like, "Are you spiritual, like puppies, and have a Afro-tastick bush so untamed that it bulges from behind your little black dress." I don't know. Pubic hair is important, men can be so specific, but should it be front and center of your want list in the LTR section? Can we please leave bald, bushy, combed or corn-rowed out of the up front criteria?

When it comes down to it, what's wrong with the good ol' date night cliches? The long walks on the beach, enjoying quiet nights by the fire, taking spontaneous weekend drives to nowhere in particular. But using my nipples as a Ouija board will never make the classics.