Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I’d been down lately. And the drug companies make you feel like it’s not OK. They were pelting the airwaves with a commercial with a woman represented by a wind up doll that was slumped over with a sad face. Although some mental illness and depression probably speckles my DNA, I had always been remarkably free of depression. In my childhood pictures is a curly haired cherub with a ridiculous grin. At age 5, it morphed into a sparkling-eyed smirk. I grew up a cheery cynic. Song in my heart; pedal to the metal; tongue in my cheek. If I was having a wave of sadness it was temporary, shifted simply by forwarding to the next song on my ipod. But now, even my go-to favorites, the Naughty by Natures and Janets sounded like they were playing from a couple of rooms away, on an upstairs floor. Here in the basement, my mother had been diagnosed with Dementia this year, Christmas had come and gone without wrapping paper and ribbon, a man I was getting close to had started going down on some woman he worked with. This did not make me unusual, things could be worse, devastating – imagine all those families in Detroit. How do they do it, foreclosing on their homes, eating canned foods from the American Cross? They have their families, their churches; they have God.

There is so much good here. My dear friends, new walnut cabinets, Trader Joe’s. I’m blessed to have work, and a 27 year old that comes over to clean my kitchen and offers to cook me dinner in exchange for “some brain”; all plus column stuff. And there’s the 50 something man at work that made me feel like fucking again (with his Ray Bans and his four letter word peppered impassioned rages). There is evidence of God everywhere.

Joy is not luck, you can make it so, definitely come Spring. 5 mile walks in Westport, motorcycle school, possible intercourse ¬– who knows, even love if I will allow it. But in the meantime I reserve the right to be sad and even brag about it on my blog – like I would a boyfriend, or a ride on a Harley, anything out of your usual experience, even sadness, can be pleasurably invigorating.


  1. Claudia - I will forever remember one afternoon, in CJHS when you pulled me into the "theatre" and sat down on the piano telling me you had found the perfect song for me. I can't remember if Lynn E. was with us or not, but I sat down and you played and sang the Carly Simon song "Right Thing To Do". It was so beautiful and came out of the blue and I was so amazed that you had even thought of me for a moment. At that instant, you gave me the courage to sing out on my own. I never became "famous" but I was on the road for a number of years with many bands and jazz groups. I wrote, sang, played and traveled. You did a good thing that day kiddo - you inspired a shy girl to take chances...not so much for any other reason than to know that someone, as talented as you, cared enough to share a special moment. I, like you, have had many moments, but I just wanted to let you know, that after all these will always be someone special to me...just because, in my silence on that day, I was extremely depressed and even thinking about killing myself because my parents were always fighting and I couldn't tell anyone and it seemed no one cared because I never said anything. You didn't know this, but after you played that song for me I cried so hard because it mattered so much. Hopefully this little note will somehow help a little. I may not know you now and haven't for many years but I'll never forget you. How cool to remember someone in the spotlight. Lots of Love - Stephanie Kantor (Stevi)

  2. What a lovely comment, Stevi. I don't remember that exact day, but I certainly remember our time together. You were such a cool spirit, and clearly you still are!! Thanks for reading this piece and sharing a great memory... pain and kindness... it's powerful when the two come together... :)

  3. Isn't it funny? You don't remember that day and I'll never forget it.

  4. Y'know, Stevi... I think I may actually have a picture of that exact moment somewhere. You, me, and Lynn E by the piano. Me in my Danskin top with the snap crotch underneath my bell bottom jeans.
    I'll look for it. We all look EXACTLY the same. ;)

  5. That's okay. Whatever we looked or look like makes no difference. It never did nor will. Feels the same...big hug, babe.

  6. And that moment never would have happened if you were medicated as probably half the kids in CJHS are today.

    If you allow them to convince you to take an SSRI to alleviate your sadness, you also unwittingly give up your elation and even your best orgasm or any at all. In a single digit percentage of cases, your withdrawal may lead to suicide. You also lose your global awareness, your indignation and your rage. Beyond the tremendous profits associated with prescribing these drugs, I believe that there is a political suppression agenda that makes Americans the most prescribed, most dumb-downed on earth.


  7. It is truly out of hand. I do know some people who have benefited from SSRI's, but also witnessed first hand a before and after scenario with someone close to me. What made them "disturbed" made them brilliant, charming, and superbly sexual.

    We are dumbed down as a nation, and shamed for having any extreme emotions or thought. And the children... the children. They are all diagnosed with something. Great comment, Mark.
    And thanks for bringing the 10th grade sparks!

  8. Prozac Zoloft and any other SSRI - oh my!!
    Plus don't forget the good old tricyclics: elavil, pamelor, tofranil . . . .


  9. Awwww... I like the softer side of Fistful. :)

    I guess tricyclics are the old school ones... more serious side effects than SSRI's...
    the good news is you can always manage your med's side effects with even more meds!!

  10. Aaah - the feel of my harley . . nice to be back in the saddle even if it is a bit cold . .

    The wind . .smell of leather . .and my fistful of summons . . .

    don't text or use your cell when driving .

  11. The Wind
    Smell of Leather
    My Fistful of Summons
    Don't Text
    or Use Your Cell


  12. Got to pass your mc road test before they let you on a harley ;-) (Or anything larger than a scooter for that matter.)

    In the meantime, sharpening my summons "sword"